An Irish Girl on the Beach May Result in Death
15 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
So… I’ve decided I don’t want to be fat anymore. Yes, I am fat. I don’t need anyone to say, “No, you look great!” I’m about 20 lbs heavier than I’m comfortable with being. I can feel it in my face and neck. My tits are more gigantic than usual. I’m just all around fluffy.
This may come as a shock… but… I eat like shit. I love my potatoes, cheese and bread. I love fast food because it’s fast and delicious. I love grease. I love fried… anything. Pizza is the greatest creation ever in the history of ever. I used to love my beer.
The only thing I had given up until today was the beer, but that’s because I, being the good Irish girl that I am, was a sloppy, out of control drunk. I did lose about 10-15 lbs when I quit drinking, but it all crept back on in a matter of 6 months or so. Not surprising… since I eat like shit. Like any good recovering alcoholic, I’ve also been drinking asinine amounts of coffee… and with coffee, I like cakey yum yums. That doesn’t really help the situation either.
I decided I should probably change the way I eat… I know, I’m a GENIUS. My aunt does the South Beach Diet and seems to like it. After reading the book, I figured it’s probably the best way to go about learning how to eat like a grown up. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not a quick fix kind of diet. It changes how you think about food as well. The first two weeks, you do have to give up carbs, fruit and sugar to rid your body of the addiction to such foods. I’m on day 1 and I’m seconds from death. Luckily, it’s almost 10:30 p.m. and I’ll be in bed in at least 2 hours… I’ve got some cigarettes… I think I can make it without tapping into Allie’s Cheez-its. Anyway, on the contrary, I do feel like I’ve gotten enough to eat today unlike every damned time I’ve done Weight Watchers.
Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping for all this nonsense. Dude. I am pretty sure I bought more vegetables yesterday than I have in my entire adult life in just that one trip. Fucking almost $200 worth of fucking vegetables. I bought celery. I hate celery. Today, I ate some of it stuffed with some Laughing Cow cheese, just like the book told me to, and I didn’t hate it. What the fuck? Why didn’t someone tell me about that a long time ago?
Anyway, I got all the stuff for all the recipes the book told me to eat for the next two weeks… including Canadian bacon. Yes, pork. I bought pork. For me to eat. I hate pork. Yes, I ate it for breakfast. No, I didn’t hate it… but mostly because I shoved the whole piece in my mouth, chewed it up really fast and swallowed. I can’t wait until I can have American bacon… It’s too high in saturated fat for the first phase of the plan… so, I’ve been reduced to the Canadian version. guh… OH and I can only have Egg Beaters instead of real eggs until the second phase. Assholes.
On the whole, today hasn’t been terrible. I got to eat salmon, asparagus and a salad for dinner which are all things I like to eat. I discovered Allie likes salmon, so that’s a bonus. I made the little dessert the book told me to eat and it was surprisingly delicious! Ricotta cheese, vanilla extract, cocoa powder and a packet of Splenda. Allie liked it too. Who knew ricotta was for more than just lasagna? Obviously, not me.
I expect to have lost around 5 lbs today… mostly because I’ve been pissing my brains out and not drinking any more water than usual. Speaking of which, I need to go piss another pound out.
