An Irish Girl on the Beach May Result in Death
15 Nov 2011 Leave a Comment
So… I’ve decided I don’t want to be fat anymore. Yes, I am fat. I don’t need anyone to say, “No, you look great!” I’m about 20 lbs heavier than I’m comfortable with being. I can feel it in my face and neck. My tits are more gigantic than usual. I’m just all around fluffy.
This may come as a shock… but… I eat like shit. I love my potatoes, cheese and bread. I love fast food because it’s fast and delicious. I love grease. I love fried… anything. Pizza is the greatest creation ever in the history of ever. I used to love my beer.
The only thing I had given up until today was the beer, but that’s because I, being the good Irish girl that I am, was a sloppy, out of control drunk. I did lose about 10-15 lbs when I quit drinking, but it all crept back on in a matter of 6 months or so. Not surprising… since I eat like shit. Like any good recovering alcoholic, I’ve also been drinking asinine amounts of coffee… and with coffee, I like cakey yum yums. That doesn’t really help the situation either.
I decided I should probably change the way I eat… I know, I’m a GENIUS. My aunt does the South Beach Diet and seems to like it. After reading the book, I figured it’s probably the best way to go about learning how to eat like a grown up. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not a quick fix kind of diet. It changes how you think about food as well. The first two weeks, you do have to give up carbs, fruit and sugar to rid your body of the addiction to such foods. I’m on day 1 and I’m seconds from death. Luckily, it’s almost 10:30 p.m. and I’ll be in bed in at least 2 hours… I’ve got some cigarettes… I think I can make it without tapping into Allie’s Cheez-its. Anyway, on the contrary, I do feel like I’ve gotten enough to eat today unlike every damned time I’ve done Weight Watchers.
Yesterday, I did the grocery shopping for all this nonsense. Dude. I am pretty sure I bought more vegetables yesterday than I have in my entire adult life in just that one trip. Fucking almost $200 worth of fucking vegetables. I bought celery. I hate celery. Today, I ate some of it stuffed with some Laughing Cow cheese, just like the book told me to, and I didn’t hate it. What the fuck? Why didn’t someone tell me about that a long time ago?
Anyway, I got all the stuff for all the recipes the book told me to eat for the next two weeks… including Canadian bacon. Yes, pork. I bought pork. For me to eat. I hate pork. Yes, I ate it for breakfast. No, I didn’t hate it… but mostly because I shoved the whole piece in my mouth, chewed it up really fast and swallowed. I can’t wait until I can have American bacon… It’s too high in saturated fat for the first phase of the plan… so, I’ve been reduced to the Canadian version. guh… OH and I can only have Egg Beaters instead of real eggs until the second phase. Assholes.
On the whole, today hasn’t been terrible. I got to eat salmon, asparagus and a salad for dinner which are all things I like to eat. I discovered Allie likes salmon, so that’s a bonus. I made the little dessert the book told me to eat and it was surprisingly delicious! Ricotta cheese, vanilla extract, cocoa powder and a packet of Splenda. Allie liked it too. Who knew ricotta was for more than just lasagna? Obviously, not me.
I expect to have lost around 5 lbs today… mostly because I’ve been pissing my brains out and not drinking any more water than usual. Speaking of which, I need to go piss another pound out.
My Favorite Crazy Old Lady
14 May 2011 1 Comment
This is the first in a series in which I write about “My Ridiculous Family”. Nearly everyone in my family is crazy in their own hilarious way. If you know me personally, this may come as a shock… I know. I may or may not use a little creative license in my description of them… So, Family, no yelling at me, “THAT’S NOT TRUE!” I know some of it isn’t true… It’s called “comedic license”.
On my last post, my firecracker of a grandmother commented:
“Should be cute. No swear words, please!”
BAHAHAHAHA! Fuck, shit & piss!
I was trying to think of her own cursing, but all I can think of her saying is “shit” or “damn it”. The woman has next to no filter yet she doesn’t curse all that much. She posts regular outbursts against everything from the Republican party to the government in general to dumbass criminals to people in our own family via The Black Hole of Thoughts aka Facebook. Cracks. My. Shit. UP! Usually, the worst she does is call them “twits” or “idiots” or maybe occasionally wishes death on them. It’s a wonder the Secret Service didn’t show up at her doorstep during George W. Bush’s presidency… She’s a very outspoken, flaming liberal Democrat… who knows everything… and is unafraid to tell anyone and everyone. She is my hero.
The town she’s from elected her to the village council. I don’t think they realized they were electing someone who would actually fight for what’s in the best interest of the town instead of just sit around enjoying the perks of the “Good Ol’ Boys Club” and vote with the majority. When I say “fight”, I mean FIGHT! She regularly gets into arguments with her fellow council members… who are, of course, male… I think sometimes she argues with them for the sake of arguing. I can see her huffing at the slightest thing she disagrees with… I must also mention… She has quite the flair for the dramatic (this glorious trait has been passed from her to my mother to me to Allie). I’m sure there are arms flailing, head shaking, and a lot of, “WELL!” in the course of giving these men the whatfor. I so badly want to venture down her way to witness one of these meetings firsthand, but I’ll settle for occasional newspaper clipping from my mother. Oh yes. NEWSPAPER. The meetings are always in the paper anyway, but Grandma’s name comes up regularly because of her disagreements with the 20-something year old puppet of a mayor. LOOOOOVE IT!
I have so much more to write about her… but we’ll save it for another day. Just wait until I tell you about how she talks about her neighbor…
btw…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GRANDMA!
Format Change
08 Mar 2011 3 Comments
I’ve always liked stand-up comedy. Really, I like anything funny, but I thoroughly enjoy stand-up. I’ve always wanted to try it out, but I’ve never had the ambition to write anything… although I am always telling stories and putting a funny twist on them.
I quit drinking a month ago and have found myself wanting a new hobby… ’cause I have nothing else to do… like schoolwork, housework, or, I don’t know, be a mom. I’ve decided I’m going write some comedy loosely based on my life. Some of it true. Some of it not. I figure I have tons of material to work with… I have a hilarious kid who I’m constantly talking shit about… I work at a preschool where I’ve found kids in general aren’t as perfect as mine and no one is as perfect of parent as me… I’m a 30 year old college student surrounded by other students who were born in the fucking 90′s… I have 65 lb Chihuahua (aka a Labrador) who is the biggest asshole/sweetheart that I can’t seem to live without.
I’m going to try to post my musings up here at least once a week. I got a notebook started yesterday, so I’m constantly writing stuff. I’ll use my hangover free Saturday mornings to compile and post my shit. If you know me in real life, keep on top of me! You know I have the attention span of a goldfish and tendency to forget shit.
Anyway.
If stuff is well received here, I may try some open mic nights… I think it would be kind of fun and some of my stories are better told than read… because I have a flair for the dramatic… thank you, Mother 
2010 in review
02 Jan 2011 Leave a Comment
The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:
The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads This blog is on fire!.
Crunchy numbers
A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 2,200 times in 2010. That’s about 5 full 747s.
In 2010, there were 20 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 31 posts. There were 5 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 2mb.
The busiest day of the year was July 21st with 131 views. The most popular post that day was Brink of INSANITY!.
Where did they come from?
The top referring sites in 2010 were ephemeraetc.blog-city.com, twitter.com, facebook.com, behindthewpf.wordpress.com, and acondradictioninterms.blogspot.com.
Some visitors came searching, mostly for killer bees, africanized bees, where are killer bees in texas, africanized honey bees, and africanized honey bee.
Attractions in 2010
These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.
Brink of INSANITY! February 2010
3 comments
KILLER BEES! (a.k.a. Africanized Honey Bees, Apis mellifera scutellata) November 2010
I Blame The Beard February 2010
2 comments
Me and this Blog September 2009
I’m Back, Bitches! October 2010
